What I really care about in life is people and relationships. I always have done, ever since I was a little girl. My dad told me that when I was little and at school I was meant to be doing a subject like maths or english, and I could not focus my mind instead I drew a picture of my family, who I love so much.
My friends, my family and others that I care about come first in my life. I put God above all this, because he made me and deserves eveything I can give him. At times in my life I have allowed certain relationships to take over in my life, in such times I have not given myself enough time and care and also neglected God. Now that I am putting relationships into more of a balance, rememering that Christ is number one and that I must consider myself as well as others, I am know who I am, what my identity is and who my identity is in. Christ my savour who made me and knows everything about me, my fears and failings and loves me all the same. And most wonderfully of all there is nothing I can do that can make him love me more or less. Wow.
The thing is that there are times when I allow relationships to effect me too much. I know that it is not good for me to focus on one person or certain relationships too much, because when I do this I lose sight of my own life and who I am. I find this very hard, especially because naturally I am inclined to give myself over to someone, to let them in and to trust them. I know that I need to be more selective who I allow in and also to take my time in letting someone back into my life. I have been going through such a growing time (and it is God who has worked in me) realising who I am and what I care about. For someone to come into that, they need to be the right person, someone who see’s me and is going to treat me right.
I think in life you have to take risks as well, if you have feelings for someone, you have to see where it is going to go… Its hard sometimes. It is also something I really like, getting to know someone and close to someone. We have certain instincts given to us and gifts to relate to people on a deeper level and I want to explore this amazing gift in life. I just hope that while I do this, I remember who I am and who I am in Christ.
Filed under: flittering words, thoughts and memories | Tags: constant thinking, tranquil, trapped, trust
It’s really quite strange, I am an extrovert and so I normally get my energy from other people. There are times of course when I need some time to myself, but at the moment I am finding I need a whole lot of time to myself.
I think it is because I have got so much racing around in my head. Normally I would talk it through with someone and then I feel much better. The thoughts subside a little and tranquillity comes back into my head (well as tranquil as a constantly thinking mind does). I can’t seem to do that right now. It’s like everything is mounting up. I feel kind of trapped in my own head, normally I can talk it out of my head, but it’s not working. So I feel kind of lost, I don’t know how to get rid, or sort out the stuff in my head.
I have been spending a lot of times in the evenings, reading the Bible, listening to music, playing my guitar (I am just learning) and also recently learning how to mediate.
Yesterday I lay on the floor, and tensed each of my Muscles from my feet up to my head, and then released them, one by one. It’s amazing you don’t realise just how tense you are until you do this exercise. I have also been meditating on verses in the bible, I was reading Psalms the other night and I mediated on these verses:
Psalm 37:7
Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.
God was teaching me to learn to trust him completely, give him everything, not to be shaken by things that might come my way to knock me, but to hold onto him and not fear.
This is amazing that the God will provide us with so much, it is so hard to do though. It seems like the closer I am becoming to God the harder some things are. I am finding I am much more self aware, of things I do, say and what others do and say, and I am thinking about it all the time.
I think I just need to learn a new way to deal with things, or to not let it all get on top of me, and to get my mind to just stop! I wish I knew how.
Maybe some good Sci-Fi will do the trick, which is the only thing I can truly switch off to.
