Filed under: flittering words, thoughts and memories | Tags: fun, intense, joy, meaning
Ok, that might be a bit of a dramtic title, but it has some truth to it as well. I love being intense, what do I mean by that, well those who know me the most and who are similar to me will recognise this. I put great meaning into everything, analyse and constanly search for meaning in my life. The thing that means the most to me is people and relationships, as I am sure I have written a post on this before.
I also hate this part of my identity because I think sometimes i am too intense and search for meaning to much, that I might actually miss life itself and the meaning might be right in front of me and i cant see it or It might be round the next corner but I will not see it because I am too intensly searching for it. What a pain!
I think I sometimes just need to let go and as people say ‘get over it’ or make light of it. I love just having fun and laughing, this brings me so much joy and so I think I should just try sometimes to ease up and just live life.
Filed under: flittering words, thoughts and memories | Tags: Church, Community, Love and Forgiveness
In response to The Razzler’s article ‘wondering’ I would like to answer some of the questions.
The main questions I would like to answer are:
When is it appropriate to leave a Church?
Is it ever appropriate to leave a Church?
To quote:
‘Or should we stay and fight because we are a community of believers and the bride of Christ’
For this reason I think once you have made a commitment to a Church through membership, then you should make all attempts possible to work through the problems you encounter. No Church is perfect because no Christian is perfect therefore if we left a Church each time we felt unsatisfied or frustrated, then we would constantly be leaving. This would not be good, because we are called to do God’s work and we are called to love another and support one another in our faith. Which we cannot do if we never establish deep roots and grow together in Christ as a community. Also, the Church is called to be set apart and visible to the world, to set an example and reveal God, what message would we give if we just gave up on people when things got tough.
I do think however that there may be times when it’s ok and right to leave a Church. (I have also read passages in the bible recently on this, which I will find again and add to this blog once I have found them).
1. Headship
If the headship of the Church (minister or leaders) is not following the Gospel, and all attempts have been made to resolve this matter, then I think it is appropriate to leave. This is because we cannot be led by misguided leaders. When people are being chosen for leadership there are certain elements that are used in the selection procedures, I believe that these elements can also be used to ascertain if the teachings are in accordance with the word of God throughout the length of service of the leaders (there are passages in the bible on this, I will find them).
2. Church death
If the Church is dying and all attempts have been made to make the Church grow, then I think it is OK leave, because the Church is called to grow and support one another in faith, if this is not happening and the Church is displaying the classical signs of death, then how long can people really be expected to stay in the Church if it is not functioning as it should. (Again there are passages on this, I will find them)
3. Spiritual hardship
If you are unable to encounter God in the Church, or you can’t feel God’s Spirit present or you are not growing in your faith, I think it is acceptable to leave. I have experienced this personally. I was going to a Church, which had some good points but more bad points, me and a friend continued to go and got more involved in an attempt to work through the problems. However one day after much deliberation we decided to leave and someone asked me ‘when did you know it was the right time to leave’ and I said ‘when we felt more depressed when we came out of Church then we did before we went in’. This is funny, but humour aside we did not agree with what was being taught and our faith was not being nourished.
4. Last resort
If you have encountered a series of problems and tried everything to resolve them but failed then I think it is important to move on, because it will hinder your own growth and others in the Church. I am not sure that this is the way God would have intended us to act. But I think that if things are just impossible and destructive, then it is right to leave.
The thing is I think that every problem can theoretically be resolved, because if we are following the basic values of Christianity, love and forgiveness then surely every problem can be resolved. Unfortunately the world is not perfect and neither is the Church so this does not always happen. Sometimes by staying in the Church, through shear determination the problems can be resolved, but I think that ‘staying no matter what’ can be more harmful. I still have some thinking and debating to do on this…..
Filed under: flittering words, thoughts and memories | Tags: constant thinking, tranquil, trapped, trust
It’s really quite strange, I am an extrovert and so I normally get my energy from other people. There are times of course when I need some time to myself, but at the moment I am finding I need a whole lot of time to myself.
I think it is because I have got so much racing around in my head. Normally I would talk it through with someone and then I feel much better. The thoughts subside a little and tranquillity comes back into my head (well as tranquil as a constantly thinking mind does). I can’t seem to do that right now. It’s like everything is mounting up. I feel kind of trapped in my own head, normally I can talk it out of my head, but it’s not working. So I feel kind of lost, I don’t know how to get rid, or sort out the stuff in my head.
I have been spending a lot of times in the evenings, reading the Bible, listening to music, playing my guitar (I am just learning) and also recently learning how to mediate.
Yesterday I lay on the floor, and tensed each of my Muscles from my feet up to my head, and then released them, one by one. It’s amazing you don’t realise just how tense you are until you do this exercise. I have also been meditating on verses in the bible, I was reading Psalms the other night and I mediated on these verses:
Psalm 37:7
Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.
God was teaching me to learn to trust him completely, give him everything, not to be shaken by things that might come my way to knock me, but to hold onto him and not fear.
This is amazing that the God will provide us with so much, it is so hard to do though. It seems like the closer I am becoming to God the harder some things are. I am finding I am much more self aware, of things I do, say and what others do and say, and I am thinking about it all the time.
I think I just need to learn a new way to deal with things, or to not let it all get on top of me, and to get my mind to just stop! I wish I knew how.
Maybe some good Sci-Fi will do the trick, which is the only thing I can truly switch off to.
Filed under: flittering words, thoughts and memories | Tags: clarity, confusion, God's guidance
Clarity
Why is it that moments of real clarity are then turned into moments of confusion.
On Monday I felt so certain about the path that God is guiding me down, things just seemed to click somehow, almost like I could see a birds eye view of my life, where I have been, where I am now and where God is leading me.
Then on Tuesday, I find out that I don’t get the learning assistant job. I was trying to hold onto the fact that the interview was such a positive experience and I got real encouragement from the head teacher. I felt it was right to pursue teaching and I thought to myself, even if I don’t get this job, I think God wants me to pursue teaching and keep applying. Somehow now I feel confusion over this, and I don’t know why.
There where other things in my life which where making sense on Tuesday which now seem confused.
I find it very strange that you can experience these moments where everything make sense, and then moments when this can be clouded. I don’t feel like my feeling/thoughts and gut instincts have changed, just somehow made a bit hazy.
I wonder if it is possible to have clear clarity all the time, or most of the time? It feels so good when you have these experiences.
Either way I am trusting God, I am so close to God right now, it’s just amazing. I feel him challenging me and changing me, because I am living for God completely (or as much as I can, giving as much to him as I am aware of and capable of). It is just a bit much sometimes, all the things that are happening. I feel like sometimes I am walking on water and then other times that the waves are hitting me and knocking me over. I don’t know if both of these experiences are meant to happen together, if both are needed. The bible says that God will be with us in the desert, he doesn’t pull us out of it, but he guides and strengthens us through it. I feel like I am in the desert. The bible also says that it is in the hardest and most testing times that God can really work in us and use us, bring us closer to God. The more I give my life to God, the more he challenges me. I am so grateful that God is working in me, that I pray more and more that he will continue, but at the same time asking him to help me through it.
Filed under: flittering words, thoughts and memories
Well after my last rant, things are becoming a lot clearer now. I think I was so confused because my subconscious was suddenly bringing things to the surface and all at once. You would think this would happen slowly, but oh no it hits you smack in the face.
But this is good, because it means that I can’t run away from it. The Lord has brought me to a point where in order to heal I have to deal with hurt from the past.
Filed under: flittering words, thoughts and memories
I have been feeling quite unsettled the past few days. I think this is because I am experiencing change, and although this change is exciting, it is also unsettling.
I am still temping in admin and the department I am working for are extending my contract, which is good because it keeps me going until I find a learning assistant job. I don’t enjoy this job though, and there is a serious lack of support, but its better than no job and its not all bad.
I have also been so busy, I normally thrive of being busy, getting involved in things and socialising. But I think I may have burnt myself out a little. So I am going to take it easy for the next few evenings and also the weekend. I was speaking to my brother and I was telling him that I think I have been doing to much, he said he hates it when that happens because you loose touch with reality.
I think that’s whats happened, doing so much has caused me confusion and unsettling feelings. Its either that or that there is something subconsciously bothering me which hasn’t come to the surface yet. This happens from time to time and its only through getting the thoughts out of my head that I realise what it going on. This normally happens through talking, but I am hoping that blogging will help.
I saw my sister this week, which was great:) She told me that I think whilst I speak, this is right. So if I don’t speak enough, or if something is in my subconscious I just get more and more constrained, all the unprocessed thoughts mount up, they can even seem bigger than they actually are because it feels like they are going to explode. I am an optimist most of the time, but when I am stressed I become focused on the detail and negative.
I have also started thinking about things in my past which I really don’t want to think about, a few months ago I wasn’t able to think about them, because they hurt too much. I am more removed from the hurt now, but I still don’t want to think about them. And not now, too much at once! That is when stress gets too much, most people can deal with one or two things, but when there is lots of things that’s when it hits you.
The thing is that most of the things happening in my life are nice. Looking for learning assistant jobs, (that’s great its what I want to do) my current contract being extended (that’s good too), Getting more involved in my Church, socialising and visiting family (also wonderful things). All of these things are good things, the only things that are stressful are money (or lack of it) and uncertainty job wise.
So I am still not sure why my head feels like it is going to explode, but I hope that by expressing my random thoughts (that probably don’t make much sense, because they don’t to me and I think as I speak/write) I can at least vent a bit.
Filed under: flittering words, thoughts and memories
When I was on holiday in the Soloway Coast, I was walking along the beach with my friends who left two sets of footprints in the sand, side by side. I thought that it looked beautiful so I took a picture. It reminded me of a poem that I read years ago which gave me shivers up my spine and made me smile. I have thought about this poem in the most difficult times of my life, it has always given me hope and comfort.
Footprints in the sand
One night I dreamed a dream.I was walking along the beach with my Lord. Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonging to me and one to my Lord.
When the last scene of my life shot before me I looked back at the footprints in the sand. There was only one set of footprints. I realized that this was at the lowest and saddest times of my life. This always bothered me and I questioned the Lord about my dilemma.
“Lord, You told me when I decided to follow You, You would walk and talk with me all the way. But I’m aware that during the most troublesome times of my life there is only one set of footprints. I just don’t understand why, when I need You most, You leave me.”
He whispered, “My precious child, I love you and will never leave you, never, ever, during your trials and testings. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you.”
