Filed under: Discovery
I havent written in a few months, or even logged on. I think this is because I can sometimes over anaylse my life, instead of just living it!
But I have remember just how much I love to think,rationalise and analyse myself and the world. So its ok to occassionally do this. I think I have to maintain a balance though, between thinking and just doing.
I loved philosophy at University, I just loved trying to answer the big questions in life, searching for the answer was such a delight even if most of the time i didnt find it,that is the frustrating thing about philosophy.
I am such an intense person, my family and close friends have advised me to let up a bit,take some things less seriously,dont always think something has happened for some mystical reason, or that everything in life has to be analysed and I have to figure it all out. I think this is good advise, to focus on just living life sometimes. I have kinda been doing this the past few months(just didnt realise that was what i was doing untill now), but life actually just got to busy. So christmas and new year at home has been such an opportunity to escape and just chill. Its been wonderful, baths, food, wine, tv, reading, thinking, music, sleep ins… the lot. well life has to go back to normal sometime eh! and although I will maintain just living life I will also login ever now and again write something and read something, afterall analysing and being intense is my passion!
I have realised that time is such an amazing thing. Time can heal, reveal and slowly unravel things.
I can be quite an inpatient person in that I often want things done quickly. If I have a problem to solve I want to deal with it right there and then and have all the answers figured out. What I have realised is that some things take time to come to light. Thoughts, feelings and ideas they are all very complex, and we don’t always have the answers, at least not right away.
I have found that through letting go and relaxing into myself allows amazing things happen.
I am sure that I will not always be able to do this, but I have certainly learnt a lot through just being peaceful.
I am such an tense person, I hold onto a lot and although I did not realise it before I do have barriers. I thought I was someone who reveals everything to everyone. I think through hurt I have learnt to protect myself. This is a positive thing, a good thing, it has kept me safe. The only person I can fully let go to is God. He knows everything and is always there for me, who better to rely on that him.
What I really care about in life is people and relationships. I always have done, ever since I was a little girl. My dad told me that when I was little and at school I was meant to be doing a subject like maths or english, and I could not focus my mind instead I drew a picture of my family, who I love so much.
My friends, my family and others that I care about come first in my life. I put God above all this, because he made me and deserves eveything I can give him. At times in my life I have allowed certain relationships to take over in my life, in such times I have not given myself enough time and care and also neglected God. Now that I am putting relationships into more of a balance, rememering that Christ is number one and that I must consider myself as well as others, I am know who I am, what my identity is and who my identity is in. Christ my savour who made me and knows everything about me, my fears and failings and loves me all the same. And most wonderfully of all there is nothing I can do that can make him love me more or less. Wow.
The thing is that there are times when I allow relationships to effect me too much. I know that it is not good for me to focus on one person or certain relationships too much, because when I do this I lose sight of my own life and who I am. I find this very hard, especially because naturally I am inclined to give myself over to someone, to let them in and to trust them. I know that I need to be more selective who I allow in and also to take my time in letting someone back into my life. I have been going through such a growing time (and it is God who has worked in me) realising who I am and what I care about. For someone to come into that, they need to be the right person, someone who see’s me and is going to treat me right.
I think in life you have to take risks as well, if you have feelings for someone, you have to see where it is going to go… Its hard sometimes. It is also something I really like, getting to know someone and close to someone. We have certain instincts given to us and gifts to relate to people on a deeper level and I want to explore this amazing gift in life. I just hope that while I do this, I remember who I am and who I am in Christ.
Sometimes I think it would be nice to be someone who just floats through life, never worrying, not over analysing, perfectly confident…
I am not like this, not one bit. I always over think, I question everything, often think negatively, not about others but about myself (although I am learning not to), I seem to learn the most through the difficult things in life. I am not sure why this is, but CS Lewis wrote in the problems with pain, that ‘God whispers in our pleasures, but shouts in our pain’. I would just like to be more hopeful that God will bless me through nice things as well. It would just be nice not to have to fight everything, within myslef and the world. Life is often a battle, it has been for me for as long as i can remember.
I started to think, that this is not the way that God made me and I have tried to re learn who I am in God. However I have a feeling, that this is just the way I am, complicated and intense, I quite like being like this, its just hard work!!!
I have come to realise that there are parts of my identity that are true and parts that are a lie. There are ways in which I operate that are not actually part of who I really am. I am rediscovering my true identity, who I am and who I am in God. I have been on this discovery for about a year now, and just when I think ‘huh I am nearly there’ that is when I realise just how much further I have to go.
When an area is revealed to me, I deal with it through thinking, blogging, mainly talking being the extrovert that I am, praying and time. Just when one area is revealed, then another is revealed, and another and another. I end up with loads of areas which are all somehow connected. Some people have told me I need to chill a bit more. I do chill, honest! I watch Star Trek and play guitar. I am just an intense person, I am not someone who floats through life, I think about everything and generally struggle with it to (which is one of the areas I need to deal with, does everything need to be a fight).
All these areas that are being revealed to me are all embedded in one main area, which is ‘who I am’ and ‘who I am in God’. I believe that through re-discovering who I am I have to deal with issues from the past, forgive myself, seek forgiveness from God and separate the true parts and the lies (this surrounds all issues, its really hard to figure out the truth from the lies). Through doing this, I am learning so much more about myself, which in turn is leading to me discovering more about God. About who he is and who he wants me to be.
