Filed under: flittering words, thoughts and memories | Tags: constant thinking, tranquil, trapped, trust
It’s really quite strange, I am an extrovert and so I normally get my energy from other people. There are times of course when I need some time to myself, but at the moment I am finding I need a whole lot of time to myself.
I think it is because I have got so much racing around in my head. Normally I would talk it through with someone and then I feel much better. The thoughts subside a little and tranquillity comes back into my head (well as tranquil as a constantly thinking mind does). I can’t seem to do that right now. It’s like everything is mounting up. I feel kind of trapped in my own head, normally I can talk it out of my head, but it’s not working. So I feel kind of lost, I don’t know how to get rid, or sort out the stuff in my head.
I have been spending a lot of times in the evenings, reading the Bible, listening to music, playing my guitar (I am just learning) and also recently learning how to mediate.
Yesterday I lay on the floor, and tensed each of my Muscles from my feet up to my head, and then released them, one by one. It’s amazing you don’t realise just how tense you are until you do this exercise. I have also been meditating on verses in the bible, I was reading Psalms the other night and I mediated on these verses:
Psalm 37:7
Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.
God was teaching me to learn to trust him completely, give him everything, not to be shaken by things that might come my way to knock me, but to hold onto him and not fear.
This is amazing that the God will provide us with so much, it is so hard to do though. It seems like the closer I am becoming to God the harder some things are. I am finding I am much more self aware, of things I do, say and what others do and say, and I am thinking about it all the time.
I think I just need to learn a new way to deal with things, or to not let it all get on top of me, and to get my mind to just stop! I wish I knew how.
Maybe some good Sci-Fi will do the trick, which is the only thing I can truly switch off to.
I had my interview for the learning assistant job on Monday. It was such a good experience. What really warmed my heart, was a little boy who said hello to me when I was walking past the school before my interview. I said hello and he asked if I could find his ball, I said I would have a look, I couldn’t find it, he said that’s Ok and gave me a great big smile. I spoke to the teacher supervising the kids, she said they have found his ball, but he keeps losing it, I smiled and asked which entrance I needed to use for the interview. She told me and wished me luck.
This might not sound very significant, but it felt it to me:) That little boy made me smile and reminded me once again just how much I love working with children. Because of this I also went into the interview with a smile.
I think it is so important to find what you are good at, or in Christian terms your gift, the gift that God has given you. I think mine is with children. I think it could also with people in general, but I relate so well with children. I enjoy their company and they seem to enjoy mine.
When I was at school, I had some really great teachers and some really bad ones. Teachers can impact you so much, especially when you are a child because you are more vulnerable. I know that the bad teachers in my childhood affected my confidence greatly. I realised the other week that there are still soul-ties (soul-ties I will write about this soon) between me and these teachers, strings that are still pulling at me, saying yeah but you are not good enough and you will never make that grade. I was advised that I needed to forgive them, and ask for forgiveness myself for still believing them at times. I confessed my sin and asked God to forgive me and them.
God loves us, he created us, when we knock ourselves we are sinning against God. It is like we are saying I know better than you God. I am really working hard on this, not allowing myself to put myself down and not allowing others to do so either.
Sorry that was a bit of a side track, I was talking about teaching. To get back to the point, I think it is so important that we discover who we are, who God made us to be and live out his purpose for our lives, for others benefit, so that we become closer to God and most importantly for his Glory.
I wonder why it is that so many people go into teaching that are clearly not right for it and can do so much damage to children. I really want to be a part of teaching, to make a positive difference, to encourage them, teach them and help them in their learning.
Filed under: flittering words, thoughts and memories | Tags: clarity, confusion, God's guidance
Clarity
Why is it that moments of real clarity are then turned into moments of confusion.
On Monday I felt so certain about the path that God is guiding me down, things just seemed to click somehow, almost like I could see a birds eye view of my life, where I have been, where I am now and where God is leading me.
Then on Tuesday, I find out that I don’t get the learning assistant job. I was trying to hold onto the fact that the interview was such a positive experience and I got real encouragement from the head teacher. I felt it was right to pursue teaching and I thought to myself, even if I don’t get this job, I think God wants me to pursue teaching and keep applying. Somehow now I feel confusion over this, and I don’t know why.
There where other things in my life which where making sense on Tuesday which now seem confused.
I find it very strange that you can experience these moments where everything make sense, and then moments when this can be clouded. I don’t feel like my feeling/thoughts and gut instincts have changed, just somehow made a bit hazy.
I wonder if it is possible to have clear clarity all the time, or most of the time? It feels so good when you have these experiences.
Either way I am trusting God, I am so close to God right now, it’s just amazing. I feel him challenging me and changing me, because I am living for God completely (or as much as I can, giving as much to him as I am aware of and capable of). It is just a bit much sometimes, all the things that are happening. I feel like sometimes I am walking on water and then other times that the waves are hitting me and knocking me over. I don’t know if both of these experiences are meant to happen together, if both are needed. The bible says that God will be with us in the desert, he doesn’t pull us out of it, but he guides and strengthens us through it. I feel like I am in the desert. The bible also says that it is in the hardest and most testing times that God can really work in us and use us, bring us closer to God. The more I give my life to God, the more he challenges me. I am so grateful that God is working in me, that I pray more and more that he will continue, but at the same time asking him to help me through it.
Filed under: Teaching
Great news I have a job interview for a learning assisant post next Monday:)
I am really pleased about this, I would really like to get some experience of working in the classroom, so i’ll see what happens.
Filed under: flittering words, thoughts and memories
Well after my last rant, things are becoming a lot clearer now. I think I was so confused because my subconscious was suddenly bringing things to the surface and all at once. You would think this would happen slowly, but oh no it hits you smack in the face.
But this is good, because it means that I can’t run away from it. The Lord has brought me to a point where in order to heal I have to deal with hurt from the past.
