Thinkbubble

I have realised that time is such an amazing thing. Time can heal, reveal and slowly unravel things.

I can be quite an inpatient person in that I often want things done quickly. If I have a problem to solve I want to deal with it right there and then and have all the answers figured out. What I have realised is that some things take time to come to light. Thoughts, feelings and ideas they are all very complex, and we don’t always have the answers, at least not right away.

I have found that through letting go and relaxing into myself allows amazing things happen.

I am sure that I will not always be able to do this, but I have certainly learnt a lot through just being peaceful.

I am such an tense person, I hold onto a lot and although I did not realise it before I do have barriers. I thought I was someone who reveals everything to everyone. I think through hurt I have learnt to protect myself. This is a positive thing, a good thing, it has kept me safe. The only person I can fully let go to is God. He knows everything and is always there for me, who better to rely on that him.

What I really care about in life is people and relationships. I always have done, ever since I was a little girl. My dad told me that when I was little and at school I was meant to be doing a subject like maths or english, and I could not focus my mind instead I drew a picture of my family, who I love so much.

My friends, my family and others that I care about come first in my life. I put God above all this, because he made me and deserves eveything I can give him.  At times in my life I have allowed certain relationships to take over in my life, in such times I have not given myself enough time and care and also neglected God. Now that I am putting relationships into more of a balance, rememering that Christ is number one and that I must consider myself as well as others, I am know who I am, what my identity is and who my identity is in. Christ my savour who made me and knows everything about me, my fears and failings and loves me all the same. And most wonderfully of all there is nothing I can do that can make him love me more or less. Wow.

The thing is that there are times when I allow relationships to effect me too much. I know that it is not good for me to focus on one person or certain relationships too much, because when I do this I lose sight of my own life and who I am. I find this very hard, especially because naturally I am inclined to give myself over to someone, to let them in and to trust them. I know that I need to be more selective who I allow in and also to take my time in letting someone back into my life.  I have been going through such a growing time (and it is God who has worked in me) realising who I am and what I care about. For someone to come into that, they need to be the right person, someone who see’s me and is going to treat me right.

I think in life you have to take risks as well, if you have feelings for someone, you have to see where it is going to go… Its hard sometimes. It is also something I really like, getting to know someone and close to someone. We have certain instincts given to us and gifts to relate to people on a deeper level and I want to explore this amazing gift in life. I just hope that while I do this, I remember who I am and who I am in Christ.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to be someone who just floats through life, never worrying, not over analysing, perfectly confident…

I am not like this, not one bit. I always over think, I question everything, often think negatively, not about others but about myself (although I am learning not to), I seem to learn the most through the difficult things in life. I am not sure why this is, but CS Lewis wrote in the problems with pain, that ‘God whispers in our pleasures, but shouts in our pain’. I would just like to be more hopeful that God will bless me through nice things as well.  It would just be nice not to have to fight everything, within myslef and the world. Life is often a battle, it has been for me for as long as i can remember.

I started to think, that this is not the way that God made me and I have tried to re learn who I am in God. However I have a feeling, that this is just the way I am, complicated and intense, I quite like being like this, its just hard work!!!

At the moment I am going through quite a lot of doubting. Mainly about my job situation, I have been offered a job as a LA, but I am not sure yet what the salary will be, and I have a feeling that I am not going to be able to afford to live of it.

I really want to do a job that is fulfilling, and I know that teaching would be, but I am no longer sure that this job has come at the right time. I am really enjoying my job at the uni now, because I am now working with a team of people and I am based in the centre of town, which I love. There are opportunities here, and OK so its admin, but after a year of trying to get some security, I have almost found it in this job, I don’t want to risk it all.

If I thought this was just fear, I would tell myself to take the job anyway, but it doesnt feel like fear, it feels like it just isnt right just now. I am normally good at making big decisions, but on this occassion i am not. I need to find out a few more facts, like the salary of the LA post and also what opportunities they are at the uni.

I just feel frustrated and also run down because of it. I am stuck between two paths and the uncertainty is just subconsciously weighing me down. I don’t feel stressed, because I am a generally upbeat, and don’t let things get to me. However I do feel pressured and it is affecting me.

I just want to figure out what is the best thing to do, make the decision and go for it, I just dont want to make the wrong decision.

I have come to realise that there are parts of my identity that are true and parts that are a lie. There are ways in which I operate that are not actually part of who I really am. I am rediscovering my true identity, who I am and who I am in God. I have been on this discovery for about a year now, and just when I think ‘huh I am nearly there’ that is when I realise just how much further I have to go.

When an area is revealed to me, I deal with it through thinking, blogging, mainly talking being the extrovert that I am, praying and time. Just when one area is revealed, then another is revealed, and another and another. I end up with loads of areas which are all somehow connected. Some people have told me I need to chill a bit more. I do chill, honest! I watch Star Trek and play guitar. I am just an intense person, I am not someone who floats through life, I think about everything and generally struggle with it to (which is one of the areas I need to deal with, does everything need to be a fight).

All these areas that are being revealed to me are all embedded in one main area, which is ‘who I am’ and ‘who I am in God’. I believe that through re-discovering who I am I have to deal with issues from the past, forgive myself, seek forgiveness from God and separate the true parts and the lies (this surrounds all issues, its really hard to figure out the truth from the lies). Through doing this, I am learning so much more about myself, which in turn is leading to me discovering more about God. About who he is and who he wants me to be.

In response to The Razzler’s article ‘wondering’ I would like to answer some of the questions.

The main questions I would like to answer are:

When is it appropriate to leave a Church?

Is it ever appropriate to leave a Church?

To quote:

‘Or should we stay and fight because we are a community of believers and the bride of Christ’

For this reason I think once you have made a commitment to a Church through membership, then you should make all attempts possible to work through the problems you encounter. No Church is perfect because no Christian is perfect therefore if we left a Church each time we felt unsatisfied or frustrated, then we would constantly be leaving. This would not be good, because we are called to do God’s work and we are called to love another and support one another in our faith. Which we cannot do if we never establish deep roots and grow together in Christ as a community. Also, the Church is called to be set apart and visible to the world, to set an example and reveal God, what message would we give if we just gave up on people when things got tough.

I do think however that there may be times when it’s ok and right to leave a Church. (I have also read passages in the bible recently on this, which I will find again and add to this blog once I have found them).

1.  Headship

If the headship of the Church (minister or leaders) is not following the Gospel, and all attempts have been made to resolve this matter, then I think it is appropriate to leave. This is because we cannot be led by misguided leaders. When people are being chosen for leadership there are certain elements that are used in the selection procedures, I believe that these elements can also be used to ascertain if the teachings are in accordance with the word of God throughout the length of service of the leaders (there are passages in the bible on this, I will find them).

2. Church death

If the Church is dying and all attempts have been made to make the Church grow, then I think it is OK leave, because the Church is called to grow and support one another in faith, if this is not happening and the Church is displaying the classical signs of death, then how long can people really be expected to stay in the Church if it is not functioning as it should. (Again there are passages on this, I will find them)

3. Spiritual hardship

If you are unable to encounter God in the Church, or you can’t feel God’s Spirit present or you are not growing in your faith, I think it is acceptable to leave. I have experienced this personally. I was going to a Church, which had some good points but more bad points, me and a friend continued to go and got more involved in an attempt to work through the problems. However one day after much deliberation we decided to leave and someone asked me ‘when did you know it was the right time to leave’ and I said ‘when we felt more depressed when we came out of Church then we did before we went in’. This is funny, but humour aside we did not agree with what was being taught and our faith was not being nourished.

4. Last resort

If you have encountered a series of problems and tried everything to resolve them but failed then I think it is important to move on, because it will hinder your own growth and others in the Church. I am not sure that this is the way God would have intended us to act. But I think that if things are just impossible and destructive, then it is right to leave.

The thing is I think that every problem can theoretically be resolved, because if we are following the basic values of Christianity, love and forgiveness then surely every problem can be resolved. Unfortunately the world is not perfect and neither is the Church so this does not always happen. Sometimes by staying in the Church, through shear determination the problems can be resolved, but I think that ‘staying no matter what’ can be more harmful. I still have some thinking and debating to do on this…..

I just love sci-fi, a world where I can totally escape. I escape so much into this world that I forget to do things like eat…

I watched Doctor Who on bbci player a couple of days ago, oh wow it was so amazing…for anyone who hasn’t seen it, stop reading now! I can’t believe The Doctor is regenerating, i think David Tennant is just great and I don’t want him to go. And just after The Doctor and Rose had been reunited as well, after all that time they finally find each other just to be ripped apart. I was sitting at the edge of my seat, feet tapping, hands up by my face and a look of complete shock on my face. And then in great big words across the screen TO BE CONTINUED… ‘What’ I said, how can they do that. I had totally escaped into the world of Doctor Who, just for it to be ripped away and for me to be flung back into reality. Oh I hate reality sometimes! I become so engrossed when I am imagining, creating, thinking I enjoy it so much, I hate it when it stops!

I was thinking about daydreaming yesterday, talked to my sister Randon Musings about it, I wondered if as a Christian it is not good to daydream, or about certain things. I think it is OK, as long as you don’t loose touch of reality and what is really important. I just love escaping into my head, thinking, drifting, imagining. If I don’t get enough of it, I have to pull myself away from reality. Although I am an extrovert, I do most of my imagining when I am alone, either watching Sci-fi, reading blogs or just daydreaming.

Sometimes I have to escape my thinking, because I sometimes (well lets be honest, all the time) think to much, so I find playing guitar helps me to stop thinking, because I am concentrating on what I am doing. Mind you I haven’t been playing much guitar, because I lent DS9 of my friend, I have got episodes 1-5 just now, getting 6 &7 next. Oh I think DS9 i just great, my favourite Star-Treck I think! Sorry where was I, oh yes escaping, I used to find I could escape like this when i was learning to drive. It was the only thing at the time that I could do, that could truely allow me to switch off. This is a much needing thing, when you mind never lets you rest. Oh I wish I could continue my lessons, I loved driving, hopefully soon I can take it up again.

I can’t wait to get home tonight to watch more DS9

It’s really quite strange, I am an extrovert and so I normally get my energy from other people. There are times of course when I need some time to myself, but at the moment I am finding I need a whole lot of time to myself.

I think it is because I have got so much racing around in my head. Normally I would talk it through with someone and then I feel much better. The thoughts subside a little and tranquillity comes back into my head (well as tranquil as a constantly thinking mind does). I can’t seem to do that right now. It’s like everything is mounting up. I feel kind of trapped in my own head, normally I can talk it out of my head, but it’s not working. So I feel kind of lost, I don’t know how to get rid, or sort out the stuff in my head.

I have been spending a lot of times in the evenings, reading the Bible, listening to music, playing my guitar (I am just learning) and also recently learning how to mediate.

Yesterday I lay on the floor, and tensed each of my Muscles from my feet up to my head, and then released them, one by one. It’s amazing you don’t realise just how tense you are until you do this exercise. I have also been meditating on verses in the bible, I was reading Psalms the other night and I mediated on these verses:

Psalm 37:7

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
       do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
       when they carry out their wicked schemes.

God was teaching me to learn to trust him completely, give him everything, not to be shaken by things that might come my way to knock me, but to hold onto him and not fear.

This is amazing that the God will provide us with so much, it is so hard to do though. It seems like the closer I am becoming to God the harder some things are. I am finding I am much more self aware, of things I do, say and what others do and say, and I am thinking about it all the time.

I think I just need to learn a new way to deal with things, or to not let it all get on top of me, and to get my mind to just stop! I wish I knew how.

Maybe some good Sci-Fi will do the trick, which is the only thing I can truly switch off to.

I had my interview for the learning assistant job on Monday. It was such a good experience. What really warmed my heart, was a little boy who said hello to me when I was walking past the school before my interview. I said hello and he asked if I could find his ball, I said I would have a look, I couldn’t find it, he said that’s Ok and gave me a great big smile. I spoke to the teacher supervising the kids, she said they have found his ball, but he keeps losing it, I smiled and asked which entrance I needed to use for the interview. She told me and wished me luck.

This might not sound very significant, but it felt it to me That little boy made me smile and reminded me once again just how much I love working with children. Because of this I also went into the interview with a smile.

I think it is so important to find what you are good at, or in Christian terms your gift, the gift that God has given you. I think mine is with children. I think it could also with people in general, but I relate so well with children. I enjoy their company and they seem to enjoy mine.

When I was at school, I had some really great teachers and some really bad ones. Teachers can impact you so much, especially when you are a child because you are more vulnerable. I know that the bad teachers in my childhood affected my confidence greatly. I realised the other week that there are still soul-ties (soul-ties I will write about this soon) between me and these teachers, strings that are still pulling at me, saying yeah but you are not good enough and you will never make that grade. I was advised that I needed to forgive them, and ask for forgiveness myself for still believing them at times. I confessed my sin and asked God to forgive me and them.

God loves us, he created us, when we knock ourselves we are sinning against God. It is like we are saying I know better than you God. I am really working hard on this, not allowing myself to put myself down and not allowing others to do so either.

Sorry that was a bit of a side track, I was talking about teaching. To get back to the point, I think it is so important that we discover who we are, who God made us to be and live out his purpose for our lives, for others benefit, so that we become closer to God and most importantly for his Glory.

I wonder why it is that so many people go into teaching that are clearly not right for it and can do so much damage to children. I really want to be a part of teaching, to make a positive difference, to encourage them, teach them and help them in their learning.

Clarity

Why is it that moments of real clarity are then turned into moments of confusion.

On Monday I felt so certain about the path that God is guiding me down, things just seemed to click somehow, almost like I could see a birds eye view of my life, where I have been, where I am now and where God is leading me.

Then on Tuesday, I find out that I don’t get the learning assistant job. I was trying to hold onto the fact that the interview was such a positive experience and I got real encouragement from the head teacher. I felt it was right to pursue teaching and I thought to myself, even if I don’t get this job, I think God wants me to pursue teaching and keep applying. Somehow now I feel confusion over this, and I don’t know why.

There where other things in my life which where making sense on Tuesday which now seem confused.

I find it very strange that you can experience these moments where everything make sense, and then moments when this can be clouded. I don’t feel like my feeling/thoughts and gut instincts have changed, just somehow made a bit hazy.

I wonder if it is possible to have clear clarity all the time, or most of the time? It feels so good when you have these experiences.

Either way I am trusting God, I am so close to God right now, it’s just amazing. I feel him challenging me and changing me, because I am living for God completely (or as much as I can, giving as much to him as I am aware of and capable of). It is just a bit much sometimes, all the things that are happening. I feel like sometimes I am walking on water and then other times that the waves are hitting me and knocking me over. I don’t know if both of these experiences are meant to happen together, if both are needed. The bible says that God will be with us in the desert, he doesn’t pull us out of it, but he guides and strengthens us through it. I feel like I am in the desert. The bible also says that it is in the hardest and most testing times that God can really work in us and use us, bring us closer to God. The more I give my life to God, the more he challenges me. I am so grateful that God is working in me, that I pray more and more that he will continue, but at the same time asking him to help me through it.